Things You Never Do While In Supernatural
by Jesse A. Harper
Summary: It was kind of stupid thing to do, but it helped to keep her sane even while she felt like her entire world was crashing down around her ears. A small side-story to 'Problem Girl', and where Jesse tries to make light of the weird.


These is a list of things you do not do while stuck traveling with the Winchesters. Think of it as a how-to guide, only it's more of a how-_not_-to guide. Trust me, they've all occurred at some point in time, and my life would have been so much easier if I had known some of this beforehand.

Good luck, and may you escape from all of this crap relatively unscathed.

_**-Jesse Harper**_

**Things You Never Do While In Supernatural**

1) Never attract the attention of an archangel/Trickster. He will drive you completely insane, and appear at the most inconvenient moments possible. Like right when you come out of the shower.

2) Throwing holy water in a demon's face and saying 'Christo' repeatedly in lieu of an actual exorcism will not work, nor will saying "Sorry, my mistake" before running like hell. It will only piss them off.

3) Claiming that the Winchesters have abducted you – even if it is true – is not a good idea, especially if you share several similar features with one of the boys. They'll just say that you're their teenage sister, and that you're acting out because your mom died. Toss in Sam's infamous kicked-puppy look, and people will believe them, all while cooing about how it's "So sweet of you to take your little sister in". Gagging will ensue on your part.

4) Even if you are a total folklore nerd, or you possess a reasonably complete knowledge of the show, never assume that you know everything. The human brain cannot possibly remember everything that you've ever read or watched on TV, and is faulty. It is also incredibly difficult to think straight when a Hellhound is about to turn you into a chew toy.

5) If there is a sock on the motel room door, do not enter. It might be freeze-your-ass-off cold outside, but if you go in the images will never go away, and you will probably piss off the girl that the brother in question brought back.

6) Lucifer is flat-out terrifying. Anyone who thinks they can just go up to him and smart off without pissing themselves – or getting killed – is delusional.

7) While God may like the Winchesters and Castiel, it's a pretty safe assumption to make that he probably doesn't give a flying crap about you. With that thought in mind, try not to get killed, because you will most likely _stay_ dead.

8) A crowbar is a fantastic weapon. It works on both supernatural and human predators alike, and it requires nothing other than a nice, tight baseball chokehold. Demons are a lot less eager to attack you after you smash their face in with an iron crowbar.

9) Sharpie is your very best friend, especially if you don't want to get a tattoo of an anti-possession symbol somewhere on your body and have some serious issues with needles. Just remember that you'll have to re-ink it every day, so make sure that it's in a spot that can be easily reached.

10) Do not diss Dean's taste in music. Ever. Even if you are not a big Metallica or AC/DC fan, just keep your bloody mouth shut, otherwise Dean will blast said music, and Sam will be very cranky with you for the rest of the drive.

11) Sam is the Research God. Do not attempt to challenge his position, and most certainly do not bet on beating him at his own game. He will win, and you will be stuck with book-only research for a very long time.

12) If you have a health problem – like asthma – and run out of medication, see if you can get one of the boys or Bobby to help you out. Trying to tough it out will not work, especially when one of them comes back to the motel room and finds you lying on one of the beds, struggling to breathe. Sure, getting teased about having breathing problems sucks, but a trip to the ER sucks worse, especially when you have to lie to all of the nice doctors and say that Dean is your brother.

13) Becky Rosen is very annoying, but you still have to be the better person and just ignore her. Even if she has chosen you as her sounding board for her Wincest fanfiction ideas.

14) Revenge for assorted insults tossed in your general direction is swapping out one of Dean's tapes in the Impala for a recording of the 'Best of Lady Gaga', not 'correcting' the waitress at the local greasy spoon when she assumes that you're the boys' sister by telling her that Dead is actually your dad. Even if Sam thinks it's hysterical, and the look on Dean's face is absolutely priceless. Just because you look like you're still in junior high doesn't mean that he will hold back.

15) Castiel is awesome, but he does not understand human culture at all. Be prepared to deal with some socially awkward questions.

16) Never enter a drinking contest that involves either Jo Harvell or the Winchesters. Don't even try to kid yourself into thinking that you stand a snowball's chance in Hell. They have a higher alcohol tolerance than you do, you will lose, and you will regret it in the morning.

17) In spite of what the show may depict, hunting is _hard_. Digging up a grave takes about an hour of hard, sweaty work, burning bodies – especially newer or still decomposing ones – smell God-awful, and shooting a pissed-off ghost with a shotgun _hurts_. Depending on whether or not you were lucky enough to have a father who taught you how to shoot a gun at some point in time, you may or may not feel like your shoulder is about to fall off afterwards.

18) Zachariah is a Grade-A douchebag. You do not need to reiterate this, especially when he is trying to pull information out of you. He is not above torture.

19) Just because one of the characters reminds you of your little brother when they're complaining does not mean that you should let your guard down. Absentmindedly calling them a nickname reserved for said sibling is generally not a good idea, especially when you're dealing with Gabriel/the Trickster, and the nickname in question – because your brother is in Air Force ROTC – is "Flyboy". Even worse is when you do this while Gabriel is still hiding behind the identity of Loki/the Trickster.

20) Crowley is a sneaky son of a bitch. He is also a demon. Go with your instincts and stay the hell away from him. If you are unable to do that, then at least don't trust him as far as you can throw him.

21) No matter how bored you are, or how much you enjoy messing with the boys, randomly deciding to talk with a British or Irish accent is not recommended. 90 percent of the time they will think you're possessed, and throw holy water in your face. The rest of the time it will probably only garner some very strange looks, as well as some questions about your sanity.

22) Don't piss off the nerd angel. He will find you, and he will kick your ass.

23) Just because you're a college student and over the age of 21 does not mean that you will be able to successfully convince the local LEOs (Law Enforcement Officers) that yes, you are in the FBI, and yes you are old enough to be agent. Even if Sam or Dean is backing you up, it's still a better idea to just say that you're a trainee and you're following them around on cases to learn the ropes.

24) Zombies are freaking terrifying, especially when one of them is the long-dead wife of another hunter, and the same person who took the time a few days ago to teach you how to make a decent pie crust – the first relatively normal thing you've done since you arrived in this crap-hole of a reality. It also doesn't help when one of them is just a kid, and you have to shoot him in the head.

25) Be careful about what innuendos you make while around Gabriel. He might see them as an invitation.

Jesse sighed loudly as she stared at her computer screen, trying to think of anything else she could add to the list, asides from the blatantly obvious 'don't die'. Sometimes she had to wonder if she was the only person unlucky enough to get tossed into another reality, or if it was just a case of no one ever making it back. After all, people disappeared all the time. Who was she to say that none of them had been in a situation like hers?

She was different though. She had gotten out, had found a way home, as painful as it had been. And besides, maybe once she posted it, she could go on with her nice, normal life.

Then again, maybe she was completely certifiable, and only delaying her eventual admission into the loony bin temporarily. After all, it wasn't like she had any actual physical proof that she had been in another reality. Everyone in her Art History class all said that she had just passed out on the steps to the classroom, and she had woken up in the nurse's office not even a half-hour later.

The woman cocked an eyebrow at the thought before she shook her head and hit the 'Submit' button on the website. Everyone else would just think it was a neat little story, someone being a smartass about all of the self-inserts that were out there. She had gotten it all out of her head though, and that was all that mattered.

* * *

Jesse Harper is my original character from my story _Problem Girl_, which is an attempt on my part to create a realistic 'Girl ends up in _Supernatural_' story. The list above is probably something that she would create as a kind of reminder to not get too comfortable with what was going on.


End file.
